- Place – De Lane Lea/CTS Wembley UK
- Time – 1970s
- Various Artists, Clients & Staff
The Portsmouth Sinfonia – The self-proclaimed “World’s Worst Orchestra”
This somewhat unorthodox orchestra was founded in England around 1970 by a group of students at the Portsmouth School of Art.
The basic premise was that the Sinfonia would be open to pretty much anyone to join.
It ended up attracting people without musical training or, if they did happen to be musicians, people that chose to play an instrument that was entirely new to them.
As you can image the resulting ensemble had, shall we say, a unique quality about them.
The orchestra started as a one-off, tongue-in-cheek performance art ensemble but became a cultural phenomenon over the following 10 years, with concerts, record albums, a film and a hit single.
They last performed publicly in 1979.
My Introduction
In 1974 I was introduced to the album The Portsmouth Sinfonia Plays The Popular Classics.
The album was Produced by Brian Eno, who was also one of clarinet players, and it was one of the funniest albums I’d ever heard.
This turned out to be one of the most versatile and useful albums I ever bought.
You could laugh with friends, get rid of guests who were over staying their welcome and if you should you wish to antagonise your neighbours this was defintely the album for you.
The Session
In the late 70’s I was in the studio booking office at Wembley, when I overheard the secretary Miriam on the phone, she was taking a booking for a jingle on behalf of a maker of a famous box of chocolates.
By this time I had a real dislke for working on jingles, I was about to beat a hasty retreat from the office, when I heard Miriam confirm to the client the details of the session.
“So Studio One, 7pm until 10pm, artist The Portsmouth Sinfonia.”
I turned around before she had finished the word Sinfonia and much to Miriam’s surprise, who knew how much I disliked these mini TV nightmares, told her,
“I’ll do that one please, please.“
A few days later, with the studio set and ready, about fifty members of the orchestra arrived.
Once seated, they started to run through the music they intended to record.
I was desperately trying not to laugh to loud as I set about getting a recording level.
A Matter or Urgency
The music was only a minute long so I needed a few run throughs to achieve the right balance.
By the third run through the director turned to me and said,
“How long is this going to take?”
I explained being a fifty piece I needed a few more run throughs.”
“Please,” he went on to say
“Do it as quick as you can, because the more they play it the better they get.”
Within a minute, the red light went on and we recorded the most bizarre dissonance I had ever heard.
By 7:30pm the orchestra had packed and were leaving the studio.
Subduing the laughter once again, I managed to mix the track and by 8pm mercifully we were all done.
This is without a doubt the shortest and funniest orchestral sessions I had ever worked on.
Within days the ad was airing throughout the Country.
Whether it helped sell the chocolates, who knows, but for me what a wonderful session to have worked on.
Elizabeth Taylor
Dame Elizabeth Taylor was a British-American actress.
She began her career as a child actress in the early 1940s and was one of the most popular stars of classical Hollywood cinema in the 1950s.
Taylor was one of the last stars of classic Hollywood cinema and one of the first modern celebrities.
During the era of the studio system she exemplified the classic film star.
She starred in Cleopatra the most expensive film ever made, which became the biggest box-office success of 1963 in the USA.
During the golden era of the Hollywood Studios she exemplified the classic film star.
In her adult years, Taylor’s personal life, especially her eight marriages including Richard Burton twice, drew a large amount of both media attention and public disapproval.
In her prime, Elizabeth Taylor wasn’t just considered the most stunning starlet in Hollywood, but the most beautiful woman in the world.
The Movie – A Little Light Music
In 1977, Elizabeth Taylor was booked into Studio Two to record her voice overs for the movie A Little Night Music.
This was a closed session, which meant no one, other than those directly involved in the recording, were allowed to enter the studio.
This was due to Miss Taylor’s power as a star and her anxiety concerning her vocal talents.
Unlike other major stars that would record at the studios, who would always be visible in the restaurant, lounge and reception area, Taylor was present in the building by rumour only.
One evening after the session had finished and all involved had left the building, the young tape operator who had been assisting on the session, Paul Hulme, came rushing into the bar and lounge area, carrying the vocal stool that Miss Taylor had been seated on all day, shouting to everyone, ten pence a sniff.
Very crude but everybody roared with laughter.
Lee Marvin
Lee Marvin was an American film actor, known for his gravelly voice, white hair and 6ft 2 inch stature, he made over fifty movies and starred in many TV shows.
In March 1970 he reached number one in the UK charts with Wand’rin’ Star from the movie Paint Your Wagon. The single stayed there for three weeks, keeping the Beatles from the number one position.
His co-star, Jean Seberg described his voice as “like rain gurgling down a rusty pipe”.
Shout At The Devil
In 1976 I was booked on a session with the actor Lee Marvin.
Jack Fishman had phoned me at home the night before to tell me that Marvin was in town, appearing at the Sun Newspaper Awards, he asked if I could be at the studio at nine the following morning.
We were to overdub a vocal on a song called O’Reilly’s Daughter, which Jack was producing for the movie “Shout At The Devil.”
Marvin was only available for three hours that morning due to his other commitments.
I was there on time. I set up the microphone and made sure the tape was ready to roll. Jack was never late for a session and was there well before Marvin arrived.
Around 9.30am this giant of man walked through Studio Two’s control room doors.
He looked disheveled and was obviously drunk, probably from the night before, or maybe an early morning snifter, however he still looked every bit the movie star.
Even before the initial introductions, his slurred voice was vibrating around the control room walls,
“Before I can do anything I need some God damn coffee!”
We did have a standard coffee machine with plastic cups in the studio but it was decided to phone upstairs to the bar and get a pot of coffee on a tray with proper cups and saucers, after all this was a movie star we were dealing with, albeit a drunk one.
Coffee Break
After a short while one of the staff from the bar arrived with the coffee. It was a lovely elderly Scottish woman, rather short and tubby and who had been nicknamed Mac by the staff.
Mac had only recently joined the bar staff and was not used to the typical clientele at the studio, she was still completely star struck whenever she saw anybody famous.
As she walked in she took one look at Lee Marvin and, upon realising who it was, almost dropped the tray. She suddenly turned into a giggly schoolgirl, it proved very difficult to get her to leave the room.
Eventually Marvin stood up to open the control door for her to leave, thanking her for bringing the coffee, she was completely overawed.
As the door closed Marvin turned to us and with a smile said,
“Well! You’ve gotta be nice, she’s the only thing worth fucking around here.”
Jack’s face was a one of pure disgust, he really didn’t approve.
We finally got to work, which was a painstaking exercise.
Jack was furious that Marvin had arrived to the studio so drunk.
During another short break Jack asked him about recording Wand’rin’ Star.
“That recording cost me a fucking fortune. The director, (Joshua Logan) decided that, as I couldn’t get it the way he wanted, I had to go into the studio and record the vocal every morning.
This went on for months until he was finally happy with my vocal and refused to pay for the studio time himself, so it was taken out of my fee.”
With the results we were achieving I am sure Jack was thinking of taking the same approach as Joshua Logan.
The session finished on time and Marvin left.
Jack and I then set about making a composite from the various takes to make an acceptable version of the song.
I don’t think Jack liked Marvin too much, but for me, the three hours were a wonderful opportunity to observe a real life movie legend.
Albert – The Security Guard
In the mid to late 70s, should you have been working at the studio after 5.30pm or on weekends, you would be greeted at the front desk by the security guard known as Albert Agras.
Albert was a wonderful likeable person with large cartoon type characteristics; highlighted with a nose that was a similar shape, but twice the size of the actor Karl Malden.
Albert was a compulsive gambler and believed he was truly a master orator and a true oracle on the universe and all within it.
Should the last session finish before midnight he would head directly to the Victoria Casino in London, and mostly lose whatever money he had.
On one rare occasion he had a large win.
On returning to his home at around 2am, Albert awoke his wife to tell her of his good fortune and that the new kitchen she had wanted for so long could be ordered the next day.
Not being able to go back to sleep due to the adrenalin of his lucky streak racing through his veins, he got up got dressed and returned to the casino, where of course he lost all of his earlier winnings.
The next morning at breakfast Albert’s wife was ecstatic with the news of his win and wanted to order the kitchen immediately.
Albert, down a hole of no return, inquisitively remarked,
“Winnings? kitchen? I have no idea what you are talking about, you must have been dreaming.”
Donald Sutherland
Donald Sutherland is a Canadian actor whose film career spans more than fifty five years.
Sutherland rose to fame after starring in films such as The Dirty Dozen, M*A*S*H, Kelly’s Heroes and Klute.
He continued to star in hit movies including The Eagle Has Landed, National Lampoon’s Animal House, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, JFK and The Hunger Games to mention just a few.
In 1979 Jerry Goldsmith was given the responsibility of recording the music for the movie The First Great Train Robbery, starring Sutherland.
One evening I arrived late at the studio, I went to the reception desk to check if there were any messages left for me, they were always pinned on the message board.
Sutherland, a giant of a man, was leaning on the reception desk speaking to someone on the phone.
As he finished the call, I overheard Albert engaging him in conversation.
I wasn’t aware of the conversation between them both before I arrived, but I could now hear Albert referring to Sutherland as Oddball, the character Sutherland played in the movie Kelly’s Heroes.
Albert, with his all knowing and authoritative voice said,
“Oddball, let me tell you this, there are only two types of people in this world.”
Sutherland, looked mystified as Albert continued speaking and said,
Yep, BIG WANKERS and LITTLE WANKERS!”
I was dumbfounded by this and although it was hard to gage Sutherlands reaction, I think it was one of complete bewilderment, naturally.
Many famous artists whilst at the studio were exposed to Albert’s worldly-wise utterances.
The Studio Lounge/Bar
CTS Lounge and bar
One day two guys, dressed in brown overalls and carrying clipboards, strolled into the lounge and told Lawrence, the manager of the bar, they were there to collect the pool table for recovering and a replacement would arrive later that day.
Lawrence had no reason to think otherwise so gave them the go ahead to remove the pool table.
A number of staff were summoned to help carry this large and cumbersome item out of the building.
After struggling along the long corridor and down the steep stairs they reached the reception area where the main glass doors to the main exit were.
They discovered that the table was far too large to go through the doors, so after completely de-rigging the alarm system and with a huge amount of effort he doors were eventually taken off their hinges and removed completely.
All hands continued to help the two men lift the table onto their truck and they eventually drove off with the table safelt loaded.
Sometime later that day Lawrence phoned the leasing company to enquire as to when the new pool table would be returned.
Unfortunately the leasing company had no knowledge of any order for recovering, replacement or maintenance due on the table.
The men had just walked in a taken a valuable pool table and we all helped them do it.
How about that for bare-faced cheek.
John Richards
John Richards started his career in the early 60s recording movies such as Thunderball and You Only Live Twice.
IMBd entries show John with 230 movie credits, many of them truly major movie successes.
These references do not include the hundreds of TV and documentary soundtracks he also recorded.
John Richards, in my opinion, was the finest film score recording engineer of all time.
He was Mr Cool under all circumstances.
Not only would he get the best sound out of any large orchestra but his personality could coax any client into a wonderfully tranquil state of mind.
He was the archetypal English gentleman in every way and was adored by the likes of Henry Mancini and John Barry.
John Richards & Cleo Laine
Dame Cleo Laine was born in 1927, an English Jazz, pop singer and actress, is well known for her scat singing and wonderful vocal range. She is able to produce a G above high C giving her well over three octaves.
Laine is the only female performer to have received Grammy nominations in the Jazz, Popular and Classical music categories.
Her big break came auditioning for Sir John Dankworth in the early 1950s, they later married and became a hugely successful jazz partnership.
Dankworth was a saxophonist and composer and served as musical director to Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald. He was a mainstay of the British jazz scene for more than sixty years.
He was responsible for writing the theme tunes for The Avengers and Tomorrow’s World.
The Session
John Richards went on to record some tracks with with Cleo Laine and Johnny Dankworth at CTS, during a break in their session I popped into Studio One’s control room looking for their tape op, on seeing John I asked him how the session was going.
He immediately broke into a high voice scat singing,
“De da da do do da de de dup”,
Poking fun at Cleo, this was very uncharacteristic of John.
Unbenownst to John and with the worst possible timing, Cleo came back into the room right behind him just as he was doing his impersonation.
I tried to warn him using my eyes and facial expressions but, painfully, he continued for a few more bars before turning to see her standing there.
He stopped immediately and without batting an eyelid said, in his naturally cool manner,
“Wonderful arrangement Cleo, one of Johnny’s?”
Now that’s how you rescue a potential disaster.
Whenever I trained young engineers I always told them,
“Knowing the desk and mics is half the job and the other half is making the client feel comfortable at all times.
JR was a master of this and all areas of recording.
Delben music
In early 1977 a new production arm of the studio called Delben music was started. It was headed by Ben Nesbit who had just retired from his position as the MD of Feldman’s Music Publishing Company.
I was given the job as a talent scout to find acts for the new company.
Delben music, placed a large add in the Melody Maker looking for talent.
The banner headline read,
“Do you think you have got what it takes to be a star?”
Followed by
“Contact Kenny Denton”,
then a phone number and postal address.
I would receive some amazing letters from people who wanted a chance to come to the studio for an audition.
They ranged from the true hopefuls to the outright lunatics.
One of the most insane letters I received was from a guy calling himself Deodorovic Smith.
Every line had various words highlighted in different coloured pens; it read something like the following.
“Dear Sir or Madam:
Please find enclosed a tape of two of my horror songs “Blood is for Vampires” and “Phobia and the Beast.” I thought I would unleash my twosome gruesome on you, before I contact the big boys in London’s W1.
Please excuse the shaky vocal in the last verse of “Phobia and the Beast,” but my daughter opened my wardrobe door whilst I was recording my vocal and surprised me.
I look forward to you signing me soon.
Deodorovic Smith.”
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